Some Changes

After posting my novel online, I decided that I needed to edit it. There were some points in the story when minor plot holes and contradictions showed themselves, and I suspected–and a reader confirmed–that I was doing too much telling and not enough showing. I also thought that I was using the passive voice more often than the story warranted. To that end, I made some changes; here are some of those changes.

Many of these changes are small added details, such as this in Chapter 1:

…Speaking of which, when Nicolas was walking behind Clarissa on the way to his cubicle, Yvon came the other way and said, “well, aren’t we happy today,”

His eyes travelled down her body as she passed, primly ignoring him.

Sometimes, additions are more substantial than three lines, such as this, also in Chapter 1:

From that point, the relationship developed in the conventional way; they dated for the remainder of the winter, which although not especially cold in February, meteorologists noted it for the copious amounts of snow that fell.

I expanded that segment, and it now reads:

The two then did little talking as they went downstairs, got into Maurice’s car, and drove back to their office.

On the Wednesday after James and Clarissa’s encounter, James phoned her.

“Hey, it’s James. You remember, from the meeting on Monday?”

“Of course I remember. I like your carefree hair,”

“Thanks,” replied James, blushing.

“So, are you doing anything this weekend?”

“I can do anything you like,”

James decided to play it safe with the first date idea: “How about going to a restaurant?”

"Did you have anything in mind?”

“The Empire Café?”

“Sounds good. Say, you sound just as nice on the phone as you do in person,”

“Thank you,” said James, reddening. “Your voice also sounds nice,”

Clarissa laughed, which to James came across as a musical sound.

“So, see you Saturday. How does five-thirty work?”

“Very well.”

“Oh, what should we do beforehand?”

“Oh come over to my place,” said Clarissa, and she gave him her address.

I also split some of the longer sentences, such as this in Chapter 7:

The case was the same for Clarissa’s older sister; given that James and Clarissa were only two people, and given that the house had plenty of room, there was enough space in the house for Clarissa’s siblings, in-laws and nephew to sleep over; Clarissa had told Margaret that she would have gladly taken more, but her mother had politely demurred the invitation, saying that a newly married couple needed space, Margaret never having seen the house; consequently, she and Hyram were driving home to Toronto; in fact, if they wished to arrive home at any sort of decent time, they would have to leave shortly; it was nearly seven o’clock, which meant that, given a six hour trip, they would be home at one in the morning, leaving just enough sleep for both of them to get to work tired on Monday.

It now reads:

The case was the same for Clarissa’s older sister; given that James and Clarissa were only two people, and given that the house had plenty of room, there was enough space in the house for Clarissa’s siblings, in-laws and nephew to sleep over. Margaret, on the other hand, would need to leave soon if she and Hyram wished to arrive home at any sort of decent time, they would have to leave shortly; it was nearly seven o’clock, which meant that, given a six hour trip, they would be home at one in the morning, leaving just enough sleep for both of them to get to work tired on Monday.

This gloriously long sentence appears in Chapter 11 (with the sentence from Chapter 7, it was one of the the longest sentences in the novel before I chopped it up and turned it into six paragraphs of dialogue):

James spent Wednesday morning at work trying to fill in the hole left by Inxton Car Seats; he felt rather guilty about letting the file slip through his fingers; while their bankruptcy had freed up the convention space for his wedding, he was still suffering the repercussions; Maurice had said they needed to cut costs somehow, and would no longer be filling the water cooler, and would be selling their parking allotment in their office building; it was purchased by an entrepreneur looking to turn it into bike storage, which many people in the office thought was a good idea; James and Colleen had both praised him, in person and when he wasn’t around, for taking initiative, and wondered whether he had any other plans; Colleen had promised to be a loyal customer.

It now reads:

“Okay ladies and gentlemen, we need to cut costs somehow, and I would prefer to do it without causing too much pain. First: the water cooler will no longer be filled, for instance. More significantly, we’re selling our parking allotment.” Everyone met his announcement with murmurs of indifference; only five of the twenty drove, and Maurice later posted an article next to the water cooler detailing how filled with bacteria standing water was.

“So, someone purchased those eight spots?”

“Yeah, some guy I know wants to build a bike locker there and charge people $2.50 a day for safe storage,”

“That sounds like a good idea,” said Colleen. “It’s cheaper than the bus,”

“I might actually use it,” said James.

“So, yeah, it’s basically an enlarged personal garage. I saw pictures, it looks nice,” said Maurice. “You might store eighty bikes in there.”

Furthermore, Chapter 13 ended thus:

“I’ll bet that’s eating her up,”

“She told me a lot of other things on Friday,”The remainder of dinner was spent discussing Helena Perari, who had a reputation as a feared pundit, demanding honesty. She was also known for hard, though polite interviews, and scathing columns.

Now, Chapter 13 ends:

...she told me as much,”

“I’ll bet that’s eating her up,”

“She told me a lot of other things on Friday,”

“Like?”

“Like how she’s not impressed by politicians making contradictory promises,”

“A major thorn in her side, I suspect,”

“On air, she was much more polite: ‘I think they’re simply trying to please people; politics is a very messy game to play’ on air becomes ‘I can’t believe how slimy those weasels are’ off-air,”

“Surely the politicians would know about this,”

“Well, they kind of assume hidden microphones are everywhere these days,”

They continued like this for the remainder of their dinner. Many people also noted Perari for hard, though polite interviews, and scathing columns.

In Chapter 14, I had one of my characters, Belinda, lampshade an odd statement (needless to say, Belinda herself is not a particularly clever character). Here is the segment without the addition:

“I’m just too tired right now; I just got off of a grating day at work,”

Belinda suspected this reason at once. “That’s not a good reason for missing a Halloween party that you’ve been invited to, there’s no good reason. You get off busy days at work all the time. Isn’t that the way it is in the public sector these days?”

And with the addition:

“I’m just too tired right now; I just got off of a grating day at work,”

“You must be tired; it’s Sunday, you see; you don’t have work on Sunday. That’s not a good reason for missing a Halloween party that you’ve been invited to, there’s no good reason. You get off busy days at work all the time. Isn’t that the way it is in the public sector these days?”

I sometimes found it desirable to add small details to scenes. For instance, this is in Chapter 17:

Melvin had also given her books, some of which were quite expensive, while Juliana gave her clothing and some chocolate.

Here is the revised version:

Melvin had also given her books, some of which were quite expensive, being the kind that dispensed financial advice––Melvin always believed that things dealing directly with money were the best kind of Christmas present, while Juliana gave her clothing and some chocolate.

It is widely said, and I agree, that showing (reporting the action, describing it in detail, including dialogue, etc.) is preferable to telling (describing action and dialogue). Here, in Chapter 21, is an instance of that:

The question was a poorly phrased one about government accountability, and it was directed at all of the leaders. Duff answered first.

Now, it reads:

“Hi. My question is for all of the leaders. I was just wondering, how in this day and age of round-the-clock media coverage, you guys in Ottawa still think you can hide this stuff, you know, this spending and, uh, cheating. There’s a lot of things wrong in Ottawa, and you should fix it,”

I have also noticed that not very many of my readers have read the whole novel, which I suspect may have something to do with foreshadowing, which I will write into the early part of the plot, or before Chapter 5.

There are very many other changes–over 300–and most of them are minor. These are but a small selection.